What happens when we surrender to God’s lead?
What do emotional abuse and narcissism have in common?
Deathblows to an individual’s soul.
Stats say that one out of four or even as high as one of three women will experience abuse at some time in her life.
Author T.D. Jakes states in his latest book, Woman Thou Art Loosed, “ that recent statistics suggest that three in five young girls in this country have been or will be sexually assaulted.” (Page 16)
Emotional abuse a BIG DEAL!
Emotional abuse is an automatic tag along with sexual and physical abuse. If those two abuses touch a female, emotional abuse clings as well to the female. It’s a given. And if she does not get healing for the abuse, she carries the mess right into adult hood even if she is not having sex.
Let me teach you. I want to define emotional abuse from the book written by Dr. Gregory Jantz. “Emotional abuse is not normal. Emotional abuse is the consistent pattern of being treated unfairly and unjustly over a period of time, usually by the same person or people. It can also be a onetime traumatic event that is left unresolved. Emotional abuse is an intentional assault by one person on another to so distort the victim’s view of self that the victim allows the abuser to control him or her.” Page 12, Jantz, Gregory L., and Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2009.
So this is what we know about emotional abuse according to Dr. Jantz definition:
It’s a consistent pattern of a person being treated unfairly and not kindly.
It’s done over a period of time.
It’s done by the same person or people.
It can also be a onetime traumatic event that was never dealt with.
The reason for the abuse is to distort the victim’s view of themselves, thus controlling them.
Bottom line, it skews the inward personhood of an individual. The victim believes that he/she is no good. Therefore, he/she has nothing, absolutely nothing to offer to anyone.
And here is a scene from my story:
I was steeped and seeped in emotional abuse for over twenty-five years. At this scene I was in my late 30’s is my guess. I was sorting through my High School box of goodies and came across my High School yearbooks. My High School teachers and friends had written comments to me in the pages of my four annuals. I was very involved in High School sports and was President of our Sr. class. When I stood in the storage room and read what people said about me back then. I thought they must have made a mistake and all lied about me. So I tore out the pages and pitched them.
In reality it was what had happened to me after I married a narcissist.
“Emotional abuse keeps you from understanding and envisioning the person you were created to be. “ page 17, Jantz, Gregory L., and Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2009.
So where did I turn to get the truth of my identity?
How was I going to put my life on track in my early 40’s?
My Creator. Sustain-er. Deliverer. God!
He has a purpose for me. And for you TOO! For me it is to coach women stuck in toxicity to freedom to discover their life purpose.
Sign up for my free coaching newsletter on my home page.
Contact me to be coached to freedom to discover your life purpose. Darlene@heartswithapurpose.com I love to hear from my readers.
Little did I realize when I said, “I do” I was entering a war zone and I would become the enemy.
And 20 years later into this ill marriage I went on a purpose hunt to discover why I was still alive. I began to dissect the truth from the lies.
Truth – I lived in a deceptive mindfield.
For that reason it took me so long to figure out my story. Plus, those closest to my crime scene were treated better than I. Therefore I read into that something was terribly wrong with me. What had I done wrong?
Covert means secretly, hidden, under-the-table, or private. So once the front door was closed in our home, the narcissist went to work. It was not with loaded guns or knives that sliced my heart up. Nor was it his fist that punched holes in the wall or peppered my face with black eyes. (If he had, I would have gotten out immediately and gotten help earlier.) Instead, the three weapons that were used on me, especially me, and only me, mutilated my heart, like mincemeat. They were covert, select ones, and only for a few to see.
No Acknowledgment. Others came and went from the house with acknowledgment. If he was there, he greeted them with a smile, a hug, a word, or a handshake. Even exchange students, all females of course (by his selection) were given much acknowledgment, especially one. However, I was not called by my given name, acknowledged, addressed or even offered a hug.
Weapon one… no acknowledgment.
No affirmation. All else were praised and lifted up, “Good job, well done, you can be anything you want, nice top, you are good at that.” I heard nothing, not even a thank you.
3. No attention. Conversations occurred daily with the children and female exchange students as he led the circus. Converse. Laugh. But for me to be invited into a conversation or to be asked for my insight would be saying I have worth or something to offer. Therefore, I wasn’t asked what I did, how I was, would I like to watch TV, or would you like to talk about this. Instead, I was ignored to starve, die emotionally, and turn inward into a shell. YET, all others at the crime scene were loved on.
Weapon three…no attention
I believed in God.
I believed God saw this pain filled mess I lived in.
And I believed God would use it for good, somehow, if I trusted Him and waited on Him to show me the way. These verses fed my soul. Psalm 139:1-3,” O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.” And this gave me HOPE… 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Now it’s time to empower others. Your Life Matters. I know: domestic violence, narcissism, and partner abuse. I have recovered (thank you, God) and so can you.
Be coached to freedom to discover your life purpose.Darlene@heartswithapurpose.com
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Today a woman said, “He tells me I should not feel that way.“
How can someone else dictate how we are to feel?
What right does that person have?
If you have inner pain, you must discover what that pain is warning you about!
I said to her, “If it was not such a BIG issue than why do you hurt, why do you have pain?”
Abusers want to control. They want you to minimize issues. They are in denial and want you to join them.
BE true to YOU! Get Help so you can go forward and live without inner pain. Sign up for my FREE Coaching newsletter,
http://www.heartswithapurpose.com and BE COACHED!
What is the first thing you must do when you live with a narcissistic person?
Face the truth. You can only CHANGE YOU!
You will not receive empathy from him/her. They can give kind words to others, maybe hugs too, and even do this in front of you. BUT, they will deny you emotional connection.
So the first thing to do for you, WAKE UP and realize that they cannot and will not give you empathy.
Remind yourself, your heart will not touch or connect with theirs. The only way it may, is if the narcissistic individual chooses to get help and only then, can they do the work to change themself.
But for you, stop trying harder and waiting for them to change.
The definition of a narcissistic person from the Mayo Clinic website is, “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.”
So strip that apart.
They love all eyes on them.
They will not have empathy.
Grandiose thinking – he/she thinks higher of themselves than reality.
Here is an example of no empathy. I stood at the funeral home with my siblings picking out my father’s casket, I heard, “At least be grateful you can pick out a casket.” Stunned and stung!
You may feel there is no way out for you and you are so stuck. Oh, I know that feeling, but there is a way out to the light and a life of truth. I have walked the steps. I have traveled far down the road through recovery. Now, I can help you. Don’t give up.
Once I realized that I would not receive empathy from the narcissist in my life I was cut free. I learned then to expect nothing back and did not set myself up to be disappointed.
So this is the TRUTH I began to apply… “Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23, NIV).
I recognized the truth of my life.
I took inventory, I could only change, me.
Contact me for a complimentary 20 minute preinterview coaching session. Then be coached to freedom from toxicity to discover your life purpose!Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com
One of the best books I have read on narcissism is Dr. Les Carters book, Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life.
Are you confused how to handle a toxic relationship?
Does that individual cause chaos?
Do you care so much that your heart hurts?
Do you crave for more good in your life?
Toxic people are masters at creating chaos, drama, pain, second guessing and self-doubt. However, it’s at your expense. They push it on you as your issue.
Join me, as I teach women how to walk away from toxic influence.
Learn how to
Stand your ground.
During the five classes learn how to Step back. Step up. Stand your ground. Step out. Step forward, and live without the chaos and control of toxic individuals. Be taught by a teacher and life coach that is an expert in the field of toxicity or abuse.
Receive instruction, abuse insight, coaching class time, one private coaching email after each class, curriculum material, and learn how to walk away from toxic influence. Enjoy this mental and emotional life saving course, on sale for more than 60% off, $ 227.00.Valued at $640.00.
Class time is March 13th, 20th, 27th and April 3rd. and 10th, 7:00 p.m.- 8:00 EST Meet over a conference call for class! Email Darlene@heartswithapurpose.com to save your seat.
“As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
Or if due to strength, eighty years, Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow;
For soon it is gone and we fly away … So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”
(Psalm 90:10, 12 NASB).
Why was I still alive? No one needed me.
My eyes locked on my brother’s closed eye lids and visualized myself in the casket. If that were me lying there, I asked myself, what would be my life legacy? My heart hurt in the revelation of my answer…
Shocked that my family was back here in the same building, the same room, and for the same reason, to see death, I wept. But this time, it was a sibling and the youngest at that…
God is sovereign, the giver and taker of life. He doesn’t play with lives. Scripture does say, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me” (Psalm 23:4 a, b, NASB).
I knew God was with me, but Allan’s death didn’t make sense. After all, I had prayed for the Lord to take my life. The inner pain swallowed me up. I was stuck. My life didn’t make sense and I couldn’t connect the dots of my stories. I loved God. Read the Bible. And the Truth from what the Bible said was a part of my mental daily diet. But something was terribly wrong in my life.
During Allan’s funeral visitation, I looked around … My much loved brother died unexpectedly at only forty years of age, bringing out a lot of people to offer their sympathy.
… Being raised in a mid-west farm community where neighbors know each other, people showed their compassion and love through gifts of food, flowers, financial means, and cards. My heart broke to see such grief on display with love. Maybe that is what caused the cracking and opening of my heart. People grieved for what they saw. I did too, but I also grieved for what no one else saw.
As my eyes swept over the funeral home room, I felt as if God pulled back a veil that covered my eyes to keep me from asking myself, Where did Darlene Terrell disappear to?
The next day at the cemetery, I longed to drop to the frozen ground on my stomach between my father’s headstone and Allan’s grave. My hands then could stretch out to touch the two sites. I fit right there in the cemetery.
It would be easier to stay living among the dead, than to continue to deny the truth about my life… I had to walk away from despair and death. Yet at mid-life, how? And the pain from my secret only grew. If I left the cemetery, the death would be real. I needed God to show me the purpose I existed? And who really needed me?
“But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make” (Jeremiah 18:4, NASB).
- List who needs you.
- Name anything you are grieving silently.
- For what purpose do you believe you are alive?
A Growth Stretch-mark: God is the potter, I am the clay.
What was my life legacy?
Join me on Tuesday, January 24th, for a class on how to begin
What are sneak peeks?
What if I sense a call from God and it’s only a whisper?
What do I do with self doubt, fear, uncertainty?
JOIN ME –
on Jan. 24th at 6:30-8:00 EST for 90 minutes of teaching, coaching over my conference line and receive one private email at a low cost of $37.00, valued at $120.00. Join now in January and receive a locked in monthly fee per session you choose for $27.00 a month. This offer is only good in January, if you act now.
Future monthly teaching and coaching topics are:
How do I wait in life?
How do I learn to confront?
How do I face my anger?
How do I break free from affirmation addiction?
How do I die to perfectionism?
How do I stand up for the truth, but am afraid of the cost?
What do I do with fear and anxiety that strangle me?
How do I create a safety net of support?
How do I create a road to recovery?
Leave the January session, on the 24th, with the truth, inspiration to believe, clarity to step, encouragement to smile, and ideas to take action to begin to discovery your life legacy. Money back guarantee session. Contact Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com today to join the Discover Your Life Legacy session.
What can empower a woman who’s stuck in toxicity?
I know what you are feeling.
Impossible, you might voice.
Where do I start? you might ask.
First, by recognizing that you need help. Then you begin. Step by step.
God never intended for you to be beaten down either mentally, emotionally and or physically. Your life does matter. Sign up on my site for my FREE newsletter and you will learn why I care so much for women that have been abused. RECEIVE my bi-monthly newsletter to encourage you on. CONTACT me for a free 20 minute coaching assessment. I know abuse like the back of my hand. (Read below what clients are saying.)
If you don’t step out today, what will your life look like in one year?
1. Take a step, a baby one.
2. Get help.
3. Find a safe person and begin to share.
4. What is the first thing you want to do?
5. What is the first thing you need to let go of?
I coach women that are trapped in fear, anxiety, chaos, and inner pain because of toxic relationships to freedom to live out their life purpose.
- Being coached has me Trusting God with His plan for me wherever that may lead and no matter how difficult it is, Karen.
- Being coached has helped me with stepping closer to my relationship with God and my marriage and away from negative thinking and control in my marriage. Ruthie
- Being coached has helped me step towards a deep and loving relationship with Jesus Christ and letting go of self-hatred. Marie
- Being coached has helped me step towards new direction in my career and growing in my confidence with dealing with toxic individuals. Lisa
Coaching works. Contact Darlene.
Please share with your friends, stuck in emotional abuse, co-authored by Professional Certified LIfe Coaches, Cindy Sawyer Tannehill, and myself, Darlene Terrell Larson.
This hot-selling course is being used not only by those in the helping profession, but also by friends and family who are helping loved ones break free from Emotional Abuse.
Chucked full of videos, audios, and a 40 page Ebook to empower women trapped in emotional abuse. Help them take steps forward.
Click here for more details on how you can get this powerful Emotional Abuse Recovery Kit: Emotional abuse kit
“More and more women in our church are stepping forward with a desparate need to break free of emotional and verbal abuse in the workplace. The scriptures, questions, and especially the support network worksheets have helped them get started on the journey to freedom.” ~ Canada Pastor and Counselor