Little did I realize when I said, “I do” I was entering a war zone and I would become the enemy.
And 20 years later into this ill marriage I went on a purpose hunt to discover why I was still alive. I began to dissect the truth from the lies.
Truth – I lived in a deceptive mindfield.
For that reason it took me so long to figure out my story. Plus, those closest to my crime scene were treated better than I. Therefore I read into that something was terribly wrong with me. What had I done wrong?
Covert means secretly, hidden, under-the-table, or private. So once the front door was closed in our home, the narcissist went to work. It was not with loaded guns or knives that sliced my heart up. Nor was it his fist that punched holes in the wall or peppered my face with black eyes. (If he had, I would have gotten out immediately and gotten help earlier.) Instead, the three weapons that were used on me, especially me, and only me, mutilated my heart, like mincemeat. They were covert, select ones, and only for a few to see.
No Acknowledgment. Others came and went from the house with acknowledgment. If he was there, he greeted them with a smile, a hug, a word, or a handshake. Even exchange students, all females of course (by his selection) were given much acknowledgment, especially one. However, I was not called by my given name, acknowledged, addressed or even offered a hug.
Weapon one… no acknowledgment.
No affirmation. All else were praised and lifted up, “Good job, well done, you can be anything you want, nice top, you are good at that.” I heard nothing, not even a thank you.
3. No attention. Conversations occurred daily with the children and female exchange students as he led the circus. Converse. Laugh. But for me to be invited into a conversation or to be asked for my insight would be saying I have worth or something to offer. Therefore, I wasn’t asked what I did, how I was, would I like to watch TV, or would you like to talk about this. Instead, I was ignored to starve, die emotionally, and turn inward into a shell. YET, all others at the crime scene were loved on.
Weapon three…no attention
I believed in God.
I believed God saw this pain filled mess I lived in.
And I believed God would use it for good, somehow, if I trusted Him and waited on Him to show me the way. These verses fed my soul. Psalm 139:1-3,” O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.” And this gave me HOPE… 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Now it’s time to empower others. Your Life Matters. I know: domestic violence, narcissism, and partner abuse. I have recovered (thank you, God) and so can you.
Be coached to freedom to discover your life purpose.Darlene@heartswithapurpose.com
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