SPRING TUNE UP!
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Four Classes. 6:30 – 7:30 p.m. EST,
$27.00 per class or all four for $87.00. Sign up by May 1st. and receive a FREE E-Workbook on Learning how to confront!
Monday, May 8th –Learn how to shrink loneliness.
Monday, May 15th– Learn how to enjoy life with yourself!
Monday, May 22nd — Learn how to focus and shrink out anxiety.
Tuesday, May 30th. — Learn how to confront in truth with kindness.
Bring your heart to life, by celebrating YOU! Contact Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com today! Money back guaranteed course!
I have not met a woman yet that has not tasted rejection and/or needs to forgive someone in their life. So I thought I would re post this.
A few years ago I needed to let go of some internal heart garbage that wanted to poison and lodge.
I grabbed a 5×7 spiral bound notebook. It was loaded with pain filled lines from my life. Two names were repeated. They had left their cuts. I knew it was time to go read this aloud to the Lord, alone, in a surrender exercise.
I coach women all the time to do surrender. When I do life plans surrender is BIG. I believe the more physical of an activity we can do in the surrender OF LETTING GO, the more helpful it is to be able to recall, “I let it go.” It set me free, not to return and pick it back up.
Back to my personal walk. It was a yucky weather day. Grey, rainy, yucky, damp in-between the winter and spring weather. It matched the mood for this mission. The in-between-life. This was not a five minute walk. I had mittens on and Kleenex tucked in my pockets. I wandered down a tree lined wooded path at my dear friend’s property. I knew God would lead me to the exact spot to let it out and let it go.
I whipped out my pen. Folded back the first page of the notebook and I read the lines of my life aloud to the Lord. I chose to pick up a stone and throw it saying, “I choose to forgive.” Line upon line. After ninety minutes the rock pile at my feet was gone. And my heart was FREE. However, the pile across from me was much higher.
Next, I stood and took two larger rocks and threw them hard. They SMACKED. Finished.
I walked around the bend and there was another rock pile. But, this one was in the sunlight. There was growth with green grass. I told God, “I wanted the good stuff in my life like this pile high of it.”
Back at the house my dear friend chuckled when I told her how handy her rock piles came in. She said, “That good rock pile grows yearly; as they add to that from the potato field, after they pick up the stones. The rock pile that you left your wounds and forgiveness on Darlene is dead, as that it is in the shade and there is no growth, and no new rocks are added.”
We read in the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:12, forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. How can I not forgive, when I ask the Lord Himself to forgive me?
Is there anyone in your life you need to forgive?
Take stones or pebbles to a stream, a pond, a lake, and pour out your heart to God and pitch them in the water, letting go. Psalm 62:8
Take a pen and paper, write it all out, and then torch the paper after you read it aloud to God.
If you need to read it to a person that has died, write it and read it at their graveside. Then choose to forgive.
Take helium balloons, speak the pain out loud, and then let go of it.
Take regular balloons and a pin. Blow them up. Then read aloud whatever was done to you, pop it, and choose to forgive.
Do something physical, whether, running, swimming, climbing, jumping rope, yet make it your focus to let go of what is in YOU. It’s a choice. Will you forgive? Then you can go forward in life.
Let me tell you…God has multiplied my life with so many good things.
- My surprise love gift from the Lord, Bill, my husband.
- My business, coaching women, speaking, teaching, writing on the behalf of the needs of women.
- Loving on our children and grandchildren together.
- Peace. JOY. LOVE!
Forever grateful to the Lord! He has answered my prayers of some good things….and continues to do so!
Choose to FORGIVE!
God is for me. . . Romans 8:31b
Pat stood in my kitchen nook. Her passion for God oozed. She said, “Jesus is for you and loves you so much, Darlene. He is for you.” I listened.
For years Pat and I had studied the Word together. We even taught across the hall from one another at a Christian school. She knew my life had been challenging the last few years.
On this day my heart was very heavy. It had been jolted that week. I had buried my youngest brother the day before. And less than three years before this, my father had died the same way as my brother. I wondered which family member was next on His game board of death.
Really, God is for me?
But the pain from my brother Allan’s death had lanced my heart open. And the deep internal pain was screaming to come from the dark into the light.
The truth wanted to voice. Then maybe, just maybe, my internal pain would lessen, then be healed. In time, I might be able to go forward in life.
Pat was not privy that day to the deep festering wound that was causing me most of the pain. I still feared that no one would believe me. And I feared the cost to bring the truth into the light. So I kept it under wraps, once again.
But Pat’s Jesus passion jumped over onto me that day catching me in the nick of time. I heeded and sowed God is for me into the chambers of my heart.
Receive this truth, God is for you.
Do you believe God is against you? What caused you to believe that?
Will you uproot that lie and replace it with the Truth, God is for me?
Let me hear what you do with this truth?
What’s in it for me? Researchers tell us people ask that before they purchase or say, yes, to a commitment.
So what is in it for you when you click open Heart with a Purpose newsletters?
A MAJOR value is truth. I write the truth. Sign up on the HOME page to receive the FREE Coaching newsletter.
Why am I so passionate about truth? Three main reasons.
1.My parents taught me to live a life based on truth and no pretense. They modeled it out well for me on the farm.
2.I hate deception. I hate duplicity. I hate pride, self-righteousness, and painting ourselves in a non-truthful way. I’m very aware when deception wiggles its way into a conversation. I have a high flying flag in discernment with my spiritual gift. It warns me when I sense, or hear from others or that I say something that doesn’t fit truth. This heightened discernment is one of God’s gifts He grew in me while living in a twisted deceptive war for a long time. I had to know the truth in order to dissect and survive the war of deception and duplicity I heard every day. It was only God’s Word that fed and fueled me to carve through what was truth and what was a lie. (The book of Proverbs is a great book to read to learn the difference between a wise person and a fool.) God’s Word is alive and very active.
3.Another reason I am so passionate about the truth is what the virtual and online world is doing to our lives. Its messing lives up. Many people believe everything they read and see online as truth. It’ not. I know others that deceive online. Matter of fact going on line with Hearts with a Purpose and my calling has taken me a bit to warm up to. Why? Because of seeing so much deception and duplicity in the online world. So be wise my friend.
Recently I sat at a bridal shower and overheard a woman talk about her work. She went on to say how boring and how much she didn’t like her job, etc. I thought it was rather telling about her character. Since she had posted a picture on Facebook of herself at her work saying how much she loved her work. I call that duplicity. Which is the truth?
My standard to do life is God’s way. Live first. Then add your life to the online world, as is.
So what about you? Are you the same person at home, at church, at work, at your neighbors, at family holidays and on Facebook?
Do you need accountability to be set free from blocked areas of your life? Coaching offers that value. Check it out Coaching with accountability! Act today! Email at Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com
Triangulation, narcissism, and domestic violence…what do these three have in common?
Triangulation, narcissism, and domestic violence!
And this was my cross that God allowed in my life.
This was a long journey for me to see the Truth in my story. I had been deceived.
I stood at my brother’s casket (06) and asked God, if that was me in the casket what would be my life legacy? I grieved and groaned. My answer, people would believe a lie about my life. I could not die in a lie. So God and I had work to do to unveil the truth of my story.
Discipleship Is Costly
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25, NASB).
So for me that means. Jesus is truth and I am one of His followers. I had to speak the truth.
If I did speak what would be the cost?
I wanted to live life so badly, the good life. And the pain was about to suck life out of me. I had to let go of the life of pretense.
My hardest hard was watching the pain of my three children. I had to deny my life, the pretense, a so-called Christian marriage, home. I had to surrender my three teens, yet truthfully, triangulation had twisted the relationships. I was asked by my counselor, are you ready to let go of what little influence you have left? I wept. What Mom in her right mind, would say, yes.
To be set free to live, I had to tell the truth.Before you read more, make certain you understand the terms.
I wrote on narcissism in an earlier blog…http://heartswithapurpose.com/what-is-the-first-thing-you-must-do-when-you-live-with-a-narcissist/read here.
Domestic violence according to The United States Department Office on Violence Against Women is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.” https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence
I lived the definition.
Chaos and confusion swirled around me. The man led the mess and the teen’s jumped to his whim. He manipulated and deceived me and then our children into his clutches. Daily change ups, crazy making, and teens elevated above me, their mother, drove my anger upward.
What was going on? (Triangulation for one…read more below.)
I knew of no one else that lived in such a crazy mixed up environment. No acknowledgement by my then-husband, no affirmation, nor understanding drove the internal pain upward. Why was everything my fault? I did everything to please, to protect, and to hold it all together, including the family unit. But for what good? And for what cost?
I was stuck, an enabler.
The internal pain was closing in on me. The secret wanted out. After two decades of living with a man that deceived, betrayed, and controlled me, I felt so hopeless. I had been lassoed into his trap through fear and doubt casting.
I believed I had zero to offer anyone. This amplified my thoughts of helplessness. I was so beaten down mentally I believed I could no longer learn and that is sad to say for a former elementary teacher. I needed help. I was trapped. I did not know my way out.
The cross in the road came when I discovered that I had a life purpose, (06) weeks after my brother’s death. A reason to STILL be alive. I chose to step little by little towards God’s call. Then to be coached, in to counseling, and to speak out and expose the abuse. Steps. And more steps. And God went before me. I stepped on my road to recovery and God healed my minced heart.
Triangulation in a domestic violence home. .. was like I wore invisible handcuffs as an authority figure. I had many responsibilities as their mom, but no authority.
And all children know who has the final say in a home.
In dysfunctional homes triangulation often occurs. Picture a triangle with the three points. Now think of those points as three people. At the bottom of the triangle is the couple, dad and mom, letters A and B. At the top of the triangle in a healthy Christian marriage, is to be God. But in my case, a child lands on top and that child is letter C. I call this the upside down family model.
So triangulation is when person A is in a relationship with person B, like a married couple. Instead of A working with B, as a team. Person A invites person C, like a child, into the relationship for conversation. Like an equal, making decisions, sharing disputes, and or talking about person B. This can be like emotional incest with a parent to a child. This pits one against each other and causes one person to be left out and at odds. Unfortunately in our family, I was letter B. Letter C is like the third party to be the go between, because letter A draws them into his/her confidence. Letter B who is to be like the equal to letter A and a team player is not allowed. Thus allowing letter A to be in control of all relationships.
Narcissistic Partner Abuse- PAIN
Triangulation – PAIN
BUT GOD loves to recycle, do turn arounds, recover, and to use us to empower others.
I am here dear friend coaching women to freedom.Contact me…Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com it thrills me to coach a women from abuse to purpose to freedom.
What happens when we surrender to God’s lead?
In 2003, I was exhausted from teaching little peeps! BUT, I loved teaching. yet, I sensed God nudging me, “Stop the speedy out of balance life and stop teaching children.”
REALLY, GOD!?! I grieved when I pulled my van into the driveway, backed up to the front door, and unloaded my teaching boxes. I was done teaching!
Women…was then, and still is, the call on my heart.
I felt I needed to remind God back then, “I am no Beth Moore and I have no idea how you will you bring me women to teach, but I will step out and follow your lead. After all, God, you gave me the teaching gift.”
More than ten years have passed since that van scene, and I want to testify that when we surrender to what God has for us, He will bring our heart throb to life.
Today, I celebrate with these three women!
I have coached, trained, and taught with Co-Instructor Cindy Tannehill and now these women are certified as Professional Certified Life Coaches!
Diane Grimes has the dark hair and Brenda Hoffman has the short blond cut. These women are ready to coach women towards their Life Purpose.Catch up with them on Facebook and check their coaching niche out. CONGRATULATIONS, Ladies!!!
When we bow to God’s ways, He gives back ten fold.
I love coaching and teaching women to discover their life purpose. And especially if you are stuck in abuse and in narcissistic relationships to discover freedom to live out your life Purpose. Take a step. Contact Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com
Accountability helps sets us free.
If we want to grow in life we will need accountability. I was reminded of this verse last week, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16a, NASB).
Dear friend, I will tell you, that is one reason why coaching is so powerful and effective. A woman begins to voice the truth of what is within her. The sin filled areas can be, I am jealous, angry, bitter, full of comparing, and I am a downright critical woman.
And she also begins to voice, and maybe for the first time ever, what she really wants out of her life and what she senses God is calling her towards, I want to write, I want to start a faceting business, I want to help young girls grow in love with the Lord, I want to help children know they are loved, I want to paint and use my art work for the glory of God and to help others in their suffering. I want to create a retreat center. I want to be a NP. I want to change my careers and become a teacher.
How about you?
Are you accountable to anyone?
Do you need accountability?
What is accountability?Accountability is when someone holds you to the line. Webster Dictionary says it’s, “the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.”
Having accountability is a good healthy thing in our life. Especially in the area where we need to create some new ruts or ways of thinking and then living it out. Then, we can grow and go forward. I offer accountability to each of my clients. I hold them to their steps, that they state they will put into action. They each know I will ask them at the beginning of our coaching time, so how did you do with your steps?
I took a step in accountability. I needed to get more direct, determined, and diligent. And that was in my writing.
Since Jan. 2016, I have had a writing accountability partner. If you have been one of my readers for a bit, you know this is the buried treasure craft, so to speak, that I hid a long time ago since it was walloped by a naysayer. I internalized the lie, I could not write.
Yet, in my early 20’s while sitting in my very first, yes, very FIRST Christian Women’s retreat I about jumped out of my seat when I heard this teacher-speaker talk. I wanted to do what she was doing. And matter of fact this lady packed and traveled with her own curriculum. NOW that jazzed me!!! But then God sent me on a desert experience that lasted over 25 years. Now today I teach and coach women, to the truth of His Word, that NO MATTER what you face in life, the Lord will see you through.
Today, I want to introduce to you to my writing accountability partner, Cindy Huff. Cindy and I have never met face to face. We are a part of a national known writing group called Word Weavers. I read about Cindy in a monthly newsletter. She was in charge of connecting writers with an accountability partner.
I emailed her and said, “Yes, I need a partner, please match me up with someone.” Bingo, Cindy said, “It’ll be me.”
So every Friday before 8:00 a.m. in comes an email from Cindy or mine to her. (We race to see who gets their email out first.)
It is our weekly check up on our writing goals. She has heard my rants and my raves and my stops and my go’s and is showing up each week checking in on me to see if I did what I said I was going to do in my writing. It’s been so helpful for me. So I want to pitch out her first book to you, Secrets and Charades, a Historical Fiction. I devoured most of it in one weekend. I told Cindy her imagination amazes me. How can one author think of so many twist and turns? Good Job, Cindy, and thank you for checking in on me weekly.
Purchase her book on Amazon.
What do emotional abuse and narcissism have in common?
Deathblows to an individual’s soul.
Stats say that one out of four or even as high as one of three women will experience abuse at some time in her life.
Author T.D. Jakes states in his latest book, Woman Thou Art Loosed, “ that recent statistics suggest that three in five young girls in this country have been or will be sexually assaulted.” (Page 16)
Emotional abuse a BIG DEAL!
Emotional abuse is an automatic tag along with sexual and physical abuse. If those two abuses touch a female, emotional abuse clings as well to the female. It’s a given. And if she does not get healing for the abuse, she carries the mess right into adult hood even if she is not having sex.
Let me teach you. I want to define emotional abuse from the book written by Dr. Gregory Jantz. “Emotional abuse is not normal. Emotional abuse is the consistent pattern of being treated unfairly and unjustly over a period of time, usually by the same person or people. It can also be a onetime traumatic event that is left unresolved. Emotional abuse is an intentional assault by one person on another to so distort the victim’s view of self that the victim allows the abuser to control him or her.” Page 12, Jantz, Gregory L., and Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2009.
So this is what we know about emotional abuse according to Dr. Jantz definition:
It’s a consistent pattern of a person being treated unfairly and not kindly.
It’s done over a period of time.
It’s done by the same person or people.
It can also be a onetime traumatic event that was never dealt with.
The reason for the abuse is to distort the victim’s view of themselves, thus controlling them.
Bottom line, it skews the inward personhood of an individual. The victim believes that he/she is no good. Therefore, he/she has nothing, absolutely nothing to offer to anyone.
And here is a scene from my story:
I was steeped and seeped in emotional abuse for over twenty-five years. At this scene I was in my late 30’s is my guess. I was sorting through my High School box of goodies and came across my High School yearbooks. My High School teachers and friends had written comments to me in the pages of my four annuals. I was very involved in High School sports and was President of our Sr. class. When I stood in the storage room and read what people said about me back then. I thought they must have made a mistake and all lied about me. So I tore out the pages and pitched them.
In reality it was what had happened to me after I married a narcissist.
“Emotional abuse keeps you from understanding and envisioning the person you were created to be. “ page 17, Jantz, Gregory L., and Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2009.
So where did I turn to get the truth of my identity?
How was I going to put my life on track in my early 40’s?
My Creator. Sustain-er. Deliverer. God!
He has a purpose for me. And for you TOO! For me it is to coach women stuck in toxicity to freedom to discover their life purpose.
Sign up for my free coaching newsletter on my home page.
Contact me to be coached to freedom to discover your life purpose. Darlene@heartswithapurpose.com I love to hear from my readers.
My classrooms of waiting:
- Years of infertility
- Waiting on God to become a Mom His way, His plan, through three adoptions, two state side and one international.
- Job changes, chaos, and financial stress in a former domestic violence marriage.
- For survival, clarity, peace, direction,healing and for the revealing of my life purpose, even when deception and a naysayer fed me lies.
- Currently I wait on the publishing of my writing.
What have you had to wait a long time for?
How long did you wait?
What did you learn about God while you waited?
What are you currently waiting on?
What else do you need to learn in the wait?
JOIN ME on Monday, April 24th from 7-8 EST p.m. over your cell for a Group Coaching Session. Learn how to wait and learn what to do and NOT TO DO in the wait. Learn how to grow in contentment. One private email after the coaching session. $37.00 (Valued at $120.00.) Contact Darlene today. Darlene@Heartswithapurpose.com
Little did I realize when I said, “I do” I was entering a war zone and I would become the enemy.
And 20 years later into this ill marriage I went on a purpose hunt to discover why I was still alive. I began to dissect the truth from the lies.
Truth – I lived in a deceptive mindfield.
For that reason it took me so long to figure out my story. Plus, those closest to my crime scene were treated better than I. Therefore I read into that something was terribly wrong with me. What had I done wrong?
Covert means secretly, hidden, under-the-table, or private. So once the front door was closed in our home, the narcissist went to work. It was not with loaded guns or knives that sliced my heart up. Nor was it his fist that punched holes in the wall or peppered my face with black eyes. (If he had, I would have gotten out immediately and gotten help earlier.) Instead, the three weapons that were used on me, especially me, and only me, mutilated my heart, like mincemeat. They were covert, select ones, and only for a few to see.
No Acknowledgment. Others came and went from the house with acknowledgment. If he was there, he greeted them with a smile, a hug, a word, or a handshake. Even exchange students, all females of course (by his selection) were given much acknowledgment, especially one. However, I was not called by my given name, acknowledged, addressed or even offered a hug.
Weapon one… no acknowledgment.
No affirmation. All else were praised and lifted up, “Good job, well done, you can be anything you want, nice top, you are good at that.” I heard nothing, not even a thank you.
3. No attention. Conversations occurred daily with the children and female exchange students as he led the circus. Converse. Laugh. But for me to be invited into a conversation or to be asked for my insight would be saying I have worth or something to offer. Therefore, I wasn’t asked what I did, how I was, would I like to watch TV, or would you like to talk about this. Instead, I was ignored to starve, die emotionally, and turn inward into a shell. YET, all others at the crime scene were loved on.
Weapon three…no attention
I believed in God.
I believed God saw this pain filled mess I lived in.
And I believed God would use it for good, somehow, if I trusted Him and waited on Him to show me the way. These verses fed my soul. Psalm 139:1-3,” O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.” And this gave me HOPE… 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Now it’s time to empower others. Your Life Matters. I know: domestic violence, narcissism, and partner abuse. I have recovered (thank you, God) and so can you.
Be coached to freedom to discover your life purpose.Darlene@heartswithapurpose.com
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